Erosion
by Whybe1234
Summary: As the sea tears away at the mountain, the mountain pollutes the sea. It takes nature centuries to repair what hands break in seconds. (MAU Jaspis)
1. Addict

It was storming outside. The windows of my apartment shuddered aggressively as the wind howled outside, rain battering against the glass. I was just sitting there on the couch, a blanket around myself and one dim light on. I loved thunderstorms, always did. The flash of the lightning, growl of thunder. The storm bellowed through my home, through my body, the rumbles in my chest; it felt like a train bowling past as fast as it could go.

But I was here, safe, warm. Alone. Alone with my thoughts and the endless rain.

Then I heard it. It wasn't the thunder, though I prayed it was. But it wasn't. It had the same urgency, the same intensity as the rain; however it was a different type of storm. I knew that knock, I knew her knuckles over the howling wind.

I tensed instantly, but my internal programming brought me to my feet and to the door. The doorknob was cold against my fingers, I couldn't bring myself to unlock it.

She knocked again, rattling the door with her force.

"Lapis, open up its fucking crazy out here!" She shouted.

Should I? Why was she even out here?! She was probably on her way home from work but the storm picked up too fast...this is what I get for living so close to her job.

"Lapis please!" I let out a shuddery breath as her roar combined with the thunder. In what was likely a lapse of judgement, I opened the door. The hallway was being swept with heavy rain and unforgiving wind. Jasper stood there, soaking wet, hair blowing violently. Her eyes looked shocked, so shocked she didn't come in immediately. Then she realized where she was, in the biting weather, and stumbled inside.

I slammed the door closed and locked it back, breathing hard. I wasn't even sure why. Jasper was dripping onto my carpet, she pulled off her jacket and shivered.

"...thank you." She mumbled, looking pitiful beneath her wet bangs.

"...y-yeah." I sputtered, brushing back my bangs. I could barely look at her. "...um...there's...some of your clothes are still in my room."

"...alright." Jasper sighed as well and trudged off into the room we used to share not so long ago. I dug the heel of my palm into my eye regretfully and sunk back into the couch.

"I'm so stupid." I whispered aloud to myself.

Jasper walked back in five minutes later, hair still damp and skin covered in goosebumps. Apparently the only clothes she had left was a black tee shirt and some exercise shorts.

She looked almost guilty for being here. It took her a moment to saunter awkwardly over to the couch beside me, sitting at my feet and avoiding my eyes.

"...want me to put your clothes in the dryer?" I asked after a moment's silence.

"That'd be nice, yeah, please." Jasper said back, glancing at me. "I-I'll do it, you don't have to get up."

"Alright." I breathed back, snuggling into my comforter. Jasper stood up again and disappeared for a while. I heard her heavy footsteps padding across the floor, sounding like many months before, and the crank of the knob on my dryer, followed by a heavy sigh as it started.

Jasper stepped back in, rubbing the back of her neck.

"...how've you been-"

"No. No." I stopped her while I could, closing my eyes and shaking my head. "I'm...I'm not ready to talk to you Jasper."

"...okay."

I sighed and stood, leaving the pillows and blankets I had accumulated on my couch. "You can sleep there." I breathed, walking past her, not looking at her. "Goodnight."

"...goodnight, lapis." Her low voice rumbled like the storm, filled with the same eerie sadness that comes with the gloom of rain. It all felt so alien. It felt like I should be in her arms, kissing her, pulling her into bed. But it still felt like I wanted to throw a rock at her head and shove her out of my apartment.

I felt so cold when I curled into bed. I had been living alone for months now but I never felt so by myself knowing she was sleeping in my living room.

I could almost feel her. My hand wandered to the divot in the mattress that her body had made over our time together. It wasn't prominent, but it was there. The sheets were cold in my fingers. Everything was cold, freezing, bitter loneliness.

I was so isolated in this vast sea of conflicted longing and memories of roars louder than thunder.

But I remembered warm nights too. Hot nights. Tender nights. Sweet mornings, sweet nothings. Calloused fingers against smooth skin, nails digging into tangled locks.

No, Lapis, you're better than this.

Don't do this.

You're strong.

You don't need her.

She needs you...

She needs me.

What am I then? What is she to me?

I let out a loud growl, rubbing my face with my hands.

"I'm fucking stupid." I whimpered. I threw my blankets off, jumped out of bed, ripped my door open and stomped out into the living room. Jasper was still awake, sprawled out on my couch. Our eyes locked, I know she saw the fire in mine. She opened her mouth to speak as she sat up quickly.

"No! No talking. None." I shouted. "We're both gonna regret this anyway, might as well not add more stupid talking to it."

"Y-yeah." Jasper breathed, standing quickly, looking hesitant but eager. I crossed the path between us and took her hand, then pulled her back to bed. The bed we had shared. The bed we should share- that we shouldn't share! It was all so confusing! I hate her, I love her. I need her, I want her to just be gone!

Our lips met as my thighs hit the side of the bed and I was pushed back onto the mattress. Her body was warm, like it used to be, her hands were rough on my hips, as they should be.

It was right.

It was wrong.

It was everything I needed and everything that had been killing me.

It was an addiction.

She was my drug.

And I was hers.

.o0o.

I never liked talking during sex in the first place. I felt it ruined the mood. I feel like talking in general just fucks things up. Maybe that's why we didn't work out. Neither of us are good at talking.

It was the next morning, storm long gone, sun shining weakly through the blinds on our bodies. I was in her arms, like things were normal. Her strong, warm muscles protecting me and trapping me. She was still asleep, breathing heavy against me. I could feel her heart beating in my ear.

I already felt regret sinking in.

I had avoided this for so long and now look, I fell prey to her again. She fell to me again.

It was terrible how we were both roped into this, I hated it- I hate it. I felt apologetic, but as though I deserved an apology as well.

We're such a mess.

Jasper stirred, taking in a deep breath as she stretched her massive, toned body before wrapping right back up around me. Slowly her eyes opened, they were filled with desperation.

"...I guess I should go." She mumbled, voice hoarse from just waking up.

"...I...you can..." I paused and sighed, I'd had enough lapses in judgement already. "Yeah...You should go, Jasper."

"Yeah." She breathed. It took her a moment to roll out of bed. Jasper looked so defeated as she lumbered out stark naked and found her clothes in my dryer. I heard her yell a goodbye which I did not reciprocate, then the door opened and shut, leaving me alone again.

I started crying the second the door closed. I couldn't place an exact reason, maybe just regret, or longing, but I laid in bed for a good hour just sobbing into the sheets that smelled like us.

Eventually, my dried eyes and throbbing head became too much to bear. My tired limbs moved my even weaker body from my bed and to the kitchen to get a glass of water and soothe the burning sensation in my brain.

I rested against the counter, the granite was absolutely frigid against my bare skin. What was I going to do? I was all alone again. Satiated in one way but never the other; I never got the love that was supposed to resonate from the afterglow. I always cut it short, I never even gave her a chance- but she never stopped me either. Or I'm just trying to divert blame.

I could hear my phone ringing from across the apartment. I lingered against the counter for another good minute, hoping the caller would relent, but they didn't. My feet padded quietly back into my bedroom as I sought out my phone; it rested on my nightstand, blaring a distinctly techno ringtone. I knew who it was then.

"Peridot?"

"Lapis!" My friend's strident voice pierced my ears with an intensity only she could surmise. "I called you four times last night! That storm was insane, I thought you got hurt!"

"N-no, I'm fine." I rasped, my voice hoarse from crying.

"Whoa, you sure? You don't sound ok."

"Yeah I-I'm fine, I just woke up."

"Lapis, don't lie to me. Have you been crying?" I didn't answer. I heard a resounding sigh on her end. "I'll be over in twenty."

.o0o.

A terse knock on my door signaled Peridot's arrival. Upon pulling it open, I was met with a mop of hair. I had to look down to actually meet her eyes.

"Lazuli, what's going on?" She deadpanned, walking in without a direct invitation. "Are you okay?" Her tone and general demeanor was confrontational, but her eyes showed she cared.

"It's nothing." I lied.

"...Lazuli."

"No, really, it's fine."

"Lazuli-"

"I'm okay!"

"Lapis!" Peridot finally shouted, stomping her little foot. "Why are you avoiding my questions? You know you can talk to me; you always talk to me! What happened that you won't talk about-" she paused, thinking, brows furrowing. "...Was it something about Jasper?"

I felt defeat wash over me. My hand covered my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at her, see her disappointment. "Lapis..." Peridot sighed. I heard her walk closer, I felt her linger next to me for a moment before she finally hugged me. It took me a second to reciprocate the kindness, I hesitated in fear of crying in front of her. But I was so fucked up at this point I just gave in and held onto Peridot and started sobbing. She shushed me and rubbed my back tenderly for a minute before leading me to the couch. "What happened?" She asked quietly, her hand resting on mine in my lap. I shrugged, tears streaming down my face.

"I..." I couldn't find the words even though I knew exactly what to say. 'We fucked. That's it. She came over and we fucked. Good job me, right?'

"She couldn't make it home because of the storm..." I started, sniffling. I'm sure I looked like an absolute wreck right then; a combination of no sleep, post-sex regret, and crying was not a good mix for a 'yeah, I woke up like this' look.

"So you invited her up?" Peridot questioned.

"N-no! She was beating on my door like a crazy person, but I let her in because that storm was fucking insane."

"Yeah, there's been a bunch of damage all over town- but never mind that. You let her in and...?" Peridot's furrowed brows and bright eyes were still trained sternly on me. She wouldn't waver.

"I told her not to talk to me. I let her put her clothes in the dryer, then she grabbed some of the clothes she still had here." I recounted quietly, looking down at Peridot's hand on mine. "Told her to sleep on the couch. I slept in my room...well, laid in my room until I finally broke again and brought her to bed."

"And you two...?"

"...yeah."

"God dammit lapis." Peridot grumbled, pinching the bridge of her nose in frustration. I could feel her pity, but she was still there for me in the end. It seemed like Peridot was one of the only real things I had left. "...Well, I can assume you don't feel too great about it." Peridot sighed, looking back to me with her cheek resting in her hand.

"Of course not!" I sputtered. "I don't want to be with her anymore!"

"Are you sure?"

"...No!" I screamed as another bout of hard sobbing stormed through me. It prompted me to curl my legs up on the couch, forcing peridot to retract her hand.

"Lapis..." Peridot sighed, touching my shoulder instead. "You two have either got to work out whatever the hell it is you have going on, or quit each other entirely. Cold turkey. Delete each other's numbers and everything." Peridot spoke with a sternness I was not unused to hearing the past few months. "You're both my friends," she continued, "and I don't want to see both of you hurting yourselves and each other like this! You both deserve so much more."

I didn't say anything for a while but it seemed like Peridot knew she got through to me, at least a little bit. She sat with me in silence for about five minutes before she stood, hugged me, and walked into my kitchen. The thing about Peridot was that she didn't assume the world was hers, she /knew/ the world was hers, and she acted like it. Though to most it might come off as narcissistic and socially uncouth, I found it charming in a frustrating kind of way. I wasn't new to it though. She had been sauntering around my apartment like she owned it ever since the first time she came over. I've grown accustomed to it.

Her short stature padded around my kitchen, making a racket, but not enough to draw my eyes up to pay full attention. I was too full of loathing. Though I guessed she was making food. I genuinely didn't want to eat but Peridot was always a stubborn one. She would make me eat, one way or another.

As predicted, peridot approached me about ten minutes later with a plate of eggs, toast, and fried ham. Usually I saved the ham for lunch but I wasn't going to protest, it would just start her up.

"Thanks." I muttered, somewhat reluctantly taking the plate.

"You're welcome." Peridot squeaked, sitting beside me with food as well. She helped herself to the tv remote and started flicking through the channels. I wasn't paying attention to what she picked, I got lost in my food for some reason. Completely zoned out but still eating.

"Lazuli?" Peridot said a bit loudly, her hand resting on my shoulder.

"Huh?" A gasp escaped me as I jumped to look at her.

"I said your name like four times." Peridot told me worriedly. "You gonna be okay? You're starting to freak me out."

"Yeah...I think I'll be alright." I responded half heartedly.

"I'm not convinced. I'll call in from work." Peridot replied firmly, already pulling out her phone.

"No, Peri, you don't have to-"

"Yes, hello, this is peridot, I'm calling in today...Yes...Yes...Alright, thank you." She hung up promptly and looked over with a smile. Her smiles were always a bit awkward. Too big for her face, it made them look fake. But I knew they were real. I managed a smile back.

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it. You done eating, lazuli?"

"Y-yeah." I answered softly, looking at my mostly full plate.

"That's okay." Peridot assured. She stood and took our plates back into the kitchen. I simply reclined back into the couch and looked back up at the tv to see the show Peridot had been obsessed with for the past month or so.

"Is this Camping hearts or whatever?" I mumbled.

"Camp Pining Hearts, show some respect." Peridot joked, popping off her shoes by the front door before returning to my side.

"I don't wanna watch this garbo."

"Well you gotta fight me for the remote." She retorted, holding the remote firmly in her hand. I sighed, looking at her for a second. I hesitantly reached a foot out and gave her a shove with my heel.

"Gimme."

"Nope."

"It's my apartment."

"It's my hand, and my hand controls the remote." Peridot said cockily, waving the remote around.

"Periiiiiii." I groaned, pushing her with both of my feet. She put the remote on her opposite side so I couldn't reach it at all, then she rested my feet in her lap.

"Just give it a chance, it's not as stupid as you think." Peridot urged.

"But I don't even know what's going on." I argued.

"We can start from the beginning, it's somewhere on the Internet."

"Ughhhhhh."

"Just let it happen, lazuli."

.o0o.

Evidently, it was a pretty good show.

.o0o.

Hours later, after we finished two seasons of Camp Pining Hearts, I felt the pangs of hunger once more. Peridot, still resting my legs in her lap, still seemed enthralled by the tv.

"P," I grunted, moving my feet beneath the blanket to shake her.

"Huh?"

"You hungry?"

"Are you?"

"Yeah."

"We can eat," Peridot assured, looking over at me. She adjusted her glasses a bit and smiled. "Want me to make something?"

"I don't have anything other than like...eggs." I muttered.

"We can go out?" She suggested, resting her hands across my shins.

"But then movement..."

"Movement for food though."

"Ugh, Peri."

"C'mon!" Peridot growled playfully, patting my legs. She swung my limbs off of her so my feet met the floor. Her strong little hands wrapped around my forearms and pulled me up. I whined childishly the whole time but reluctantly complied.

"You don't even have to get dressed." Peridot chirped.

"I don't have pants on under this." I deadpanned, lifting the oversized shirt I wore up to my hips to display the orange briefs I had on.

"Oh." Peridot squeaked, flushing slightly and looking away. "Well," she cleared her throat, "All you need are some sorts or something. I'll drive, we can just go through a drive-thru. You can pick whatever you want."

I let out a huff and closed my eyes for a minute. I didn't answer her. It was enough of an answer for me to walk into my room and pull on some shorts, then return to her.

"Where's my flip flops?" I asked the room.

"I don't know."

"Ugh." I grunted for the hundredth time that day as I searched for a good fifteen minutes until I found my flip flops suspiciously beneath the couch. "Let's go."

"Where to?" Peridot peeped, spinning her keys on her index finger.

"I don't know." I sighed.

"Then I'm gonna pick."

"Okay." I shrugged, following peridot down the apartment stairs. I could see her bright green compact car from a mile away. I noticed some alien related stickers on her car from afar.

"...'UFO's saved my marriage'?" I questioned, pointing to the little saucer sticker on her bumper.

"I thought it was cute." Peridot grumbled, unlocking her car for us. I settled in and immediately adjusted the seat, it was way too far up; my knees touched the dashboard when i sat.

"You're so short." I said quickly under my breath as I stretched my limbs.

"I have no legs." Peridot deadpanned back, lifting one of her pant legs up to show a shimmering metallic prosthetic to me.

"No excuse."

"You're such an ass." Peridot chuckled dryly, knowing it was in good fun.

"You could've gotten taller legs."

"No, I couldn't, because my balance would've been even worse. Physical therapy was hard enough with legs the same length as my old ones." Peridot suddenly looked a bit more stressed, her brows furrowed as she gripped the steering wheel; I realized then that I had struck a cord.

Silence surrounded us for a moment before I managed an apology.

"...I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"I didn't mean it."

"I know, I know you didn't. It's still fresh in my head and I just..." Peridot paused to sigh and rub one of her eyes with the heel of her palm. She turned away from me so I couldn't see the tears that likely hid behind her glasses.

"I know..." I said softly. I hesitated but eventually I reached out and put a hand on her shoulder to comfort her. She nodded stiffly and put her hand on mine, gripping my skin for a moment.

"I'm okay." She whispered. She let out a deep breath and sat up straight, then peeled out of the parking lot.

.o0o.

We returned back to my apartment with a few bags of fast food, nothing special, just some burgers and fries. Peridot followed behind me as we climbed the stairs, it was hellish to fish my keys from my shorts while holding the food but I managed it.

The door swung open and inside we hid. Peridot plopped down on the couch once more and started emptying bags of food. We bought too much food, but peridot said it was intentional. She didn't think I would have the will to leave home for a few days to feed myself. She's probably right.

With a sigh, I deposited myself beside her and emptied my bags as well. I felt guilt bubbling in my chest for making her cry earlier.

"Hey, Peri,"

"Yeah?"

"I...I'm sorry. About earlier." I muttered, looking at her through my lashes.

"It's alright." Peridot sighed; she was lying but it was to make me feel better. It didn't.

"No it's not." I protested.

"It was like a year ago, I should get over it." She said, face sunken with remembrance.

"What?! Peridot, you deserve as much time as you need to get through this." I argued seriously. "You lost your legs, you are totally allowed to be upset. I'm the dick for making jabs about it."

"I'm used to them now and stuff but I just..." Peridot let out a sigh. "Jasper and her mom. I feel so bad for them."

My chest tightened at the mention of her name.

"H-how's her mom doing?" I asked softly.

"She's...the same." Peridot breathed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"...I'm sorry." I whispered.

"It's...it is what it is." Peridot said under her breath. She sat up and started to sort through the food, picking out what she had ordered. I went quiet and picked mine out as well. Peridot flicked the tv back on and settled beside me in the couch, eating silently. We returned to our Camp Pining Hearts marathon, slowly the tension in the air melted away and things were normal again. Peridot stretched as she finished her meal, raising her arms up over her head and locking her fingers.

Shamelessly, my eyes diverted to her chest. I couldn't help but notice as she stretched that there was something different about her.

"Peri,"

"Hm?"

"Did you get your nipples pierced?" I exclaimed, she instantly flushed and put her arms down.

"M-maybe."

"Oh my god!" I snorted, feeling a smile cross my face as I looked at her reddened cheeks. "Did you seriously?!"

"Yeah." Peridot sighed. "Yesterday. They still hurt."

"Peri, oh my goooood." I laughed, shocked that she of all people would do that. "...can I see?"

"What?!"

"Just show me! We've seen each other naked, it's no big deal." I insisted. Peridot rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "Periiiiiii-"

"Fine, Jesus, just shut up." She snapped, blushing profusely as she grabbed the hem of her shirt and lifted it. Peridot exposed one of her breasts to me, and just as expected, a simple little piercing was implanted in her nipple.

"I can't believe you got your nipples pierced!" I cackled, laughing harder than I had in weeks.

"Shut up!" Peridot squeaked, pulling her shirt back down.

"What on earth compelled you to get your nipples pierced?!" I cackled.

"If you must know," peridot said, adjusting her glasses, "I was out with Amethyst and Jasper, just messing around, when on a whim Amethyst pulled us all into a tattoo place- which also did piercings." She explained, though I deflated a bit when she mentioned Jasper. "The three of us got piercings."

"Wait, what did they get pierced?" I asked.

"Amethyst got her nipples done too but Jasper got another ear piercing. Wimp." Peridot jabbed.

"Wow. Ame can make anybody do anything." I muttered.

"I really think you two would get along." Peridot added with a little smile.

"If that were true we would've met by now." I deadpanned, glaring a little. Peridot shrunk in her seat.

"...I mean...her and Jasper are pretty close, I'd be upset too if-"

"That's no excuse because you and Jasper are close yet here you are with me." I snapped. Peridot sensed my obvious frustration and dropped the subject. I apologized a few minutes later. I hate how she has that power over me, her sad little face gets me every time. Thankfully, she always forgives me.

.o0o.

Evening came and peridot left, but not after making sure I was completely sure I would be alright. By the end of her desperate attempts to care for me I was shoving her out the door.

Again, the sound of the door closing filled me with unbridled depression; the heavy blanket of isolation covering me completely. I took my place back on the couch and thought over what Peridot had said about Jasper. She was right, we were hurting ourselves and each other. The question was do I quit her or do I try to fix us?

We see how quitting has turned out: us having spontaneous sex over the last few months. I never give her a chance to talk. Like I said, it just ruins things...maybe this is my fault. I should just try talking to her.  
"Tomorrow..." I whispered to myself, making a mental note to contact Jasper the next day before settling in for the night.


	2. Crumbling

The sound of my alarm came second to the unpleasant sensation of hot slobber against my cheek. Blindly, my arm struck out and pushed away the perpetrator, but their fluffy body was quickly replaced by another. And another. And another.

My dogs always woke me up when my clock didn't. Then again, even when my clock does wake me up, they were still there to make sure.

"Alright." I groaned, forcing my eyes open to see four massive dogs excitedly jumping around my bedroom. I watched them bark and trip over each other for a minute before finally getting up. I hit the stop on my alarm, then I raised my arms up over my head and stretched. My dogs dispersed to the kitchen; they knew it was time to eat. My feet thudded heavily with sleep as I made my way behind my dogs. I pulled open the cabinet that hid their food, i had to move it to one of the higher cabinets because they figured out how to open the lower ones. They all barked excitedly, tails a blur, as I pulled down the heavy bag of kibble. The loud clatter of dog food into metal dishes echoed through the house. With full mouths, the barking and whining stopped. For the moment, my dogs were satiated. I, however, was not. Still half asleep, I rubbed my eyes and padded over to the fridge. As I gripped the cold steel and was met with the cool air within the appliance, an annoyingly familiar sound entered my ears. It was the loud groan my roommate emitted every morning when she did that first stretch.

"Morning, Jasper." Her voice cooed through a yawn. I grunted in return, still too dazed to talk. Her own heavy steps crept up behind me, I could feel her eyes watching me. I turned around to glare at her but instantly recoiled and closed my eyes.

"Bismuth why are you naked?!" I shouted.

"Hm? Oh shoot, guess I am." The other woman chuckled. "Oh well. Don't act like you haven't seen me naked before." I rolled my eyes and avoided looking at her as she went on her way to make her morning coffee.

"Why are you naked?" I repeated as I pulled out a carton of eggs. My question was answered when bismuth jerked a thumb over her shoulder, gesturing to her room. I followed her indication and saw a familiar face stumbling sleepily out of the room. "Oh. Pearl." I grumbled, seeing the thin woman wearing nothing but Bismuth's shirt. I turned back to the fridge and continued to pull out breakfast components. "You staying for breakfast, Pearl?" I asked behind me.

"You don't have to make me anything." Pearl yawned.

"Not what I asked."

"Just make her some, Jasp, she'll eat." Bismuth assured. "She needs the energy." She added with a wink. I rolled my eyes and heated up the stove while Pearl nagged Bismuth about her little comment.

I ignored them. I wasn't in the mood for Bismuth's overwhelming positivity, nor Pearl's calm disposition. I couldn't help but think about Lapis. Her face, she was so...angry. But she wanted me, she pulled me into bed. She kissed me like she used to...

"Yo, Jasper, you good, hon?" Bismuth asked with a firm hand on my shoulder. She had finally put on clothes, thank goodness.

"Huh? Yeah. I just zoned out for a sec." I muttered, realizing I had just been leaning against the counter with an empty pan on the stove. I cracked an egg into the skillet, it started to hiss and pop the second it met the metal. Soon a few more joined it and breakfast was under way. Bismuth didn't relent though, she gave my shoulder a squeeze.

"What's up, J?" Bismuth said more quietly, closing the space between us so Pearl couldn't listen in.

"...I slept with Lapis last night." I breathed. It was easier to just tell her up front, she would pry it out of me at some point anyway. Bismuth's eyes widened, she let out a gasp.

"Are you okay?" Was the first question out of her mouth.

"Yeah..." I said half heartedly.

"Girl why were you even over there?" Bismuth chastised.

"It was pouring last night I had nowhere to go because someone didn't pick me up!" I shot back, glaring daggers at my roommate. She sighed and shrunk a little.

"I knew I forgot something." She muttered. "I'm sorry J."

"Yeah well...whatever." I snarled. "Here, you two can split these. I'm not hungry anymore." I grumbled, switching the stovetop off and leaving the cooked eggs for the two of them. I could feel them staring at me, I could feel bismuth wanting to apologize, but I ran out before either of them could say something. I retreated into my room, the only safe place it seemed I had left. My bed looked inviting but my dogs had reappeared at my side with whines in their throats. "You wanna go for a walk?" I forced enthusiasm for their sake. All of them were set off at the mention of a walk and started barking. "You wanna go for a walk?" I repeated, a real smile crossing my face as I knelt to hug one of my dogs close. I was met with slobbery kisses of approval and couldn't help but laugh. "Alright, let's get your leashes." I cooed, standing once more and crossing my room to my closet. I grabbed a sweatshirt to throw on over my tank top but I didn't bother changing out of my shorts, they covered enough. Besides, the neighbor's would probably appreciate the show. I smirked to myself. I wasn't certain about many things, but I knew for a fact that I looked pretty damn good in these shorts.

I located the leashes in my closet as well. It was a bit hectic to hook up all my dogs collars to their leads but I managed eventually.

Bismuth tried to stop me from walking out but my pack of dogs made it apparent that I would be returning. She could harass me later. For now I just needed to clear my head.

This is what I usually did whenever I needed time alone. "Alone", of course, is relative; I've got a pack of dogs pulling me through the streets towards the local park which will be full of people. But at least they wouldn't speak to me, nor my dogs.

I sort of zone out on walks and I think my dogs know that, they guide me as though they were seeing-eyes. I likely would've walked straight into the street by now if not for them.

We arrived at the park and I only knew that because they all started to jump and circle me, yapping excitedly at the fence gate encircling the park. I opened it up and brought my dogs inside, then unleashed them as I Locked the gate back in place. All of them took off and went to go play with other dogs. Meanwhile I found my way to an empty bench and watched from afar. I was able to zone out and clear my mind for a short while, maybe fifteen minutes, before my phone buzzed in my pocket. Upon pulling it out, I saw Peridot was calling me. I wasn't in the mood but she was my best friend next to bismuth, so I answered.

"Hey, P."

"Jasper, are you at the dog park?" Her question came suddenly and made me tense.

"Uh...yeah? How did-"

"Turn around."

I did as told and saw Peridot a few yards away with her little dog. She smiled a big stupid grin and waved, I felt one cross my face as well. I waved back and spoke into the phone, "Come over here."

"I am." She assured, already walking. I hung up as she approached me behind the bench. I twisted to hug her around the waist with one arm, she reciprocated by hugging me around the neck. "I thought I recognized all this hair." Peridot giggled. She came around the bench to sit beside me and released her small, fluffy dog from his leash.

"I always forget you have a dog." I muttered.

"How could you forget about Pumpkin? I named him perfectly!" Peridot sputtered, gesturing to her pet's orange coat.

"Or you saw orange and, like many people, named it pumpkin because pumpkins are orange." I deadpanned, crossing my arms over my chest and relaxing once more into the bench.

"I named him pumpkin because I got him in October. Halloween, pumpkins, orange dog. It was many contributing factors." Peridot countered.

"You're unoriginal."

"But happy." She jabbed, that one felt a bit more like a personal attack. I didn't address it. "I know what happened Jasper." As the words left her mouth, I sighed and threw my head back to the sky. "I just want to hear your side."

"'My side'?" I barked, propping my head back up to look at her. "There is no side! I came in her apartment because it was pouring, she let me sleep on the couch, then out of nowhere she walked in and pulled me into bed like she used to but...her eyes were angry. Not how it should be. It was like she hated me but...I-I-I don't know."

"Jasper...are you crying?"

I stiffened and turned away to wipe under my eyes. I found that there were indeed tears on my face.

"No! Shut the fuck up, I don't cry over bullshit." I growled, turning away from her.

"Jasper, it's okay to cry-"

"Crying is weak." I argued.

"You cried over your mom."

"That's different- don't talk about my mom to me." I warned, starting to get angry.

"Sorry, sorry. That was inconsiderate of me."Peridot sighed, bowing her dad a little and turning back to pay attention to our dogs, whom were curiously sniffing each other.

I rolled my neck, tension building in my shoulders. I didn't want to be angry right now, so I was trying to calm down. I came here to relax.

"It's whatever." I mumbled defeatedly.

"...Have you visited her today?" Peridot inquired.

"Nah."

"Want a ride?"

"...that'd be nice, yeah. Thanks, P."

"Of course."

.o0o.

Thanks to Peridot's presence, Bismuth didn't pester me about the night I spent with Lapis and let me drop off my dogs in peace. Then I crammed myself into Peridot's little car. I couldn't even sit up straight. "Jesus, why are you so short?" I growled, adjusting the seat. "You don't even sit in the passenger seat, why is it up so high?"

"Lapis." Peridot answered cooly.

"...oh." I said softly, going back to being quiet as I shifted my seat and buckled up. Just the thought of her was enough to shut me up. I kept silent as Peridot pulled out of the driveway towards the hospital.

The parking lot was packed, as expected, so we had to park in the parking complex; which I hate. I never trust those things. They seem so easily shaken for something meant to hold the weight of cars.

"Will they like, ID me or something?" Peridot asked as she locked up her car.

"Nah, not while you're with me." I responded. "Haven't you been here before?"

"Not at this hospital. The other one, they know me well enough. But I still haven't been here." Peridot said, catching up to me so we could walk out together.

"I mean...most hospitals are the same. If you were here alone you'd probably have to fill out more stuff but it should be fine." I said casually as we strode inside.

As expected, we got our visitors stickers and were sent up.

"I hate hospitals..." Peridot grumbled, hugging herself.

"Me too." I agreed lowly. The smell of antiseptic, the overwhelming silence and bleak colors...it was unsettling. I knew my mom's room number by heart now, 73275, I barely even had to look for it. My feet brought me straight to it, straight to the ICU. Peridot was behind me the whole time. I walked in and there she was. She was as still as ever, the beeping and humming of machines around her bedside keeping her alive.

"Hi mom." I whispered, choking a little on suppressing tears. I didn't need to cry in front of peridot. Again. A deep breath escaped me, trying to quell my emotions as I pulled a seat up beside her bed. I just sort of looked at her. Her skin was normally a healthy golden tan, but now she was pale. Her fine features were sunken, body thinning. It was so painful to see...

Despite her being my adoptive mother, I still loved her. There were times when we fought, sure, but she was still my mother at the end of the day.

"Diamond..." I heard peridot breathe. She was close with my mother too, they had been back when peridot and I had a brief fling. "Gosh, she looks so..."

"Bad. I know. You can say it." I sighed, bowing my head.

"...She would kill us for letting her hair get like that." Peridot chuckled dryly, prompting me to look back up and see my mother's golden hair completely askew. I laughed a little.

"Yeah she would." I strained to say. Peridot wandered beside me and leaned against my shoulder. I felt her sigh once more.

"What are they saying about her?" She inquired softly.

"...Nothing. She's stable." I answered. "I...I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep paying her bills, Peridot."

"How bad are they?" She asked.

"I haven't kept a single one of my paychecks since the accident. Bismuth has been getting all the food and stuff- I feel really bad."

"I could help?" Peridot offered.

"I couldn't ask you to do that." I insisted.

"She might not be my mom but she might as well be. She's important to me too and I want to help, I want to help you." Peridot argued, looking in my eyes with a certain sternness about her. I knew she wouldn't relent.

"...alright."

.o0o.

After a few hours, Peridot drove me home so I could start getting ready for work. She gave me some cash, which I felt guilty for taking, before she left. Peridot had given me a very heartfelt hug before leaving me.

As I entered my home, I found my dogs to be nowhere in sight. That's when I saw the back door was open and all of my beasts were frolicking outside. It crossed my mind several times before about getting rid of a few to save some money but I just couldn't bring myself to do so.

I suddenly noticed Bismuth was sitting on the couch, giving me a sideways glance. She was expectant. She didn't even have to speak, she simply gestured for me to approach her, which I did. There was no way around it. I collapsed into the couch beside her with a sigh.

We sat in silence for a time until Bismuth mumbled a small, "So...?"

"You can already guess what happened," I growled. "I went to her place, we fucked, she kicked me out the next morning. End of story."

"Cmon, there's gotta be more to it than that." Bismuth insisted.

"It was raining, I was at work, I had to g to her place." I reasoned. "She let me in and said I could crash on the couch but then she dragged me in her room and we fucked."

"Okay but like, what kind?"

"What?"

Bismuth looked serious despite her unusual question. "What kind of sex do you have?"

"What kind of a question is that?"

"A legit one! Was it hatesex? I-miss-you sex? Drunk sex?"

"I don't know!" I shouted, running my hands through my hair. "We weren't drunk- we barely talked."

"Did you kiss?"

"Yeah."

"But did you like...do any kinky shit?"

"Bismuth I really don't want to have this conversation." I deadpanned. I went to stand but bismuth grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me back to the couch. I was so defeated I just let her even though I was definitely the stronger out of us two.

"I'm trying to figure out what's going down between you guys." Bismuth spoke slowly.

"Nothing is going down." I argued. "It was just a one night stand."

"How many of those does it take before you finally label yourselves as fuck buddies?" Bismuth said cooly. I couldn't find an answer.

"Don't try to put a label to me, and especially don't do it to her." I growled back.

"Why?"

"Because it pisses me off!" I yelled.

"Why?" Bismuth pressed, shouting back at me.

"Because I love her!" I finally snapped, standing and clenching my fists at my sides. I didn't want to fight bismuth but she was seriously getting under my skin. I knew this would happen, she always finds a way to make me say things I didn't know about myself. Or maybe I did know. I just...wished I didn't.

"...J, you're killing yourself over her." Bismuth said softly, her face looking pained. "You can't keep doing this to yourself, you've got enough stress-"

"You don't think I know that?!" I roared, my dogs had paused in their playing to turn and watch that I was okay. "I'm not good enough to take care of myself, my mother, and I'm not good enough for the woman I love to love me back; I'm useless!"

A stinging silence fell over us after my outburst. Bismuth just looked at me. She was just as disappointed as everyone else. I knew she was. I didn't say anything as I turned and stomped into my room, my dogs following quickly behind. They all piled onto me as I collapsed into bed and sobbed into my pillow. I wasn't normally one to cry but the stress was overbearing. All I could think about was her. The girl I loved. My lapis.

.o0o.

After a breakdown-induced nap, it was time for me to head to work. It was with some reluctance that I pulled on my black tee and matching pants. I didn't feel like dealing with people tonight, but maybe it'll work out in my favor. As a bouncer, I have clearance to beat people down if need be. Part of me hoped for some idiot to step out of place so I could have a good excuse to let all this rage out. Bismuth was already waiting for me to come back out; she had been driving me to work ever since my car was totaled. We didn't speak the whole time. The drive was silent, save for the revving of the engine and the hum of the radio. Bismuth looked...let down. She might've been angry, but her face looked more defeated than anything.

"...Thanks for the ride, Biz." I said softly as we pulled up to the club.

"Yeah." Bismuth muttered back, avoiding my gaze.

I averted my eyes. "...I'm sorry about earlier." I mumbled, looking at my hands.

"I'm sorry too." Bismuth replied after a time. I felt her eyes on me, prompting me to look back up. She had this solemn smile on her face that somehow made me feel more guilty. "C'mon, bring it in, J." Bismuth cooed, stretching her arms out and wrapping her limbs around my shoulders. I hugged her back tightly and patted her back firmly.

"Thanks, seriously."

"Anytime, J. I'm always here for you." Bismuth said softly, sounding like a mom. I offered a small smile in return before clambering out of the car. Bismuth drove off slowly and I took my place inside the club. NO sooner had I sat my things down in the back room did my boss tell me to attend the front entrance. I sighed under my breath but it wasn't remotely audible over the sound of the speakers blaring. The club had just opened so people were crowding to get in. I hated having front guard, but at least I didn't have to check the list tonight. I just had to stand there and look menacing. In a bitter sweet turn of events, no one was rowdy enough for me to have to hurt them. I was sort of lingering at that point, nearing eleven at night. It was boring. I felt a buzz in pocket and figured it would be no harm if I just checked it for a moment. Upon pulling my phone out, I saw I was being called. My heart clenched as I picked answered.

"Jasper?"


End file.
